Male partners are in a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation. If they get too close emotionally, they might be rebuffed, if they are too far, they might be reprimanded. How did the male partner react, and how did your own relationship change accordingly, between your two?
Dr. Valentina Faia
Specialist Psychiatrist & Psychotherapist at BioPsychoSocial Clinic
All parents seem to share some common needs as well. It helps them to personify their child: especially if a baby dies before their social acknowledgement has happened, as in the case of stillbirth or late miscarriage, even the simple ritual of naming the child allows parents to give them a visible role, and a gender, and a space in the family narrative. In some cases, they feel the need to create memory boxes were to store what would have belonged to the child, or scrapbooks to collect the visual memory of the pregnancy. Those acts allow the grieving parents to regain some control in a critical stage of their lives and to restore their identity, whilst honouring the un-defined, un-spoken and therefore un-seen identity of the unborn child.
Nisha Jason
My husband is truly a gift from God.
From the time I heard the bad news from the doctors he was there holding me though he is totally shattered.
When I asked for too many second opinions, though not required he travelled to all the places and met everyone (is there still?)
When I lost the baby, we both cried together. Though the grieving period was long, he patiently went along the crazy Drive I was riding.
He kept reminding me that I did everything I could whenever I go through the guilt trips(even today)
Though he doesn’t share much as I do, I know he was in pain, tears but he was able to heal soon with God’s grace to make sure I am fine and our bond grew stronger. I started looking up to him as head of family.
Safiyya Mansoor Lewis
As we have experienced a long journey of baby loss and secondary infertility, we’ve been through all the highs and lows that couples face when struggling to bring home a living baby. My husband and I grieve differently, for example, I’m more vocal, talk about the boys more and able to articulate my feelings, while he tends to share less and often turns to his faith for guidance.
Over time, he has opened up more, but he tells me his main focus is being my support and making sure I’m okay, which I feel is a role society has placed on men when it comes to grief. While I experienced pregnancy and birth, he had the heartbreaking task of burying both of our boys alone as I was still in hospital both times, which I feel gives him a completely different level of grief to process.
Navigating these differences has been challenging at times because culturally men are labelled the emotionally strong ones and shouldn’t talk about emotions, but I can wholeheartedly say, having those difficult conversations and sharing our emotions with one another has ultimately strengthened our bond and deepened our understanding of each other. We treat each other with much more grace than we did pre baby loss.
Sumana Suresh
My partner’s response to both my losses were rooted in a single philosophy- is she okay, will she be ok. (me). That took over all other feelings. He has been incredibly supportive both times. Holding me through the worst news, the scans, the actual procedures and after – I couldn’t do this without him. He’s incredibly present and patient with my emotions, with his taking the backseat in times of need.
The first time around I did not understand how he was grieving differently from me until he explained that a lot of his fear was rooted in what would happen to me, and once I was ok he felt better.
The second time was different as it was a hard choice we both needed to take to terminate and we had to let our child go. I think we’ve navigated all of this together, doing our best to be mindful that we both process grief differently and that there’s room for everyone’s ways of coping. There is no right or wrong, but it’s important for male partners to be present and not abandon us in times of grief. For us, we’ve just been in this together.
Our relationship has changed for sure- we are more aware and sensitive to each other, we understand when the other person needs space to process things differently and we are incredibly aware of how the two of us are a unit before anything else. We don’t know if our future has babies in it, but our relationship will always come first before all of that.
